it would be nice to know.

It's an interesting situation to be in. The situation I've found myself in, I mean. I gave my heart to my best friend of five years, and for a week, we were the perfect couple. But within a matter of days everything (and I quite literally mean everything) changed. I was left loving and he... well. He's got other things to focus on in his life. I'm excited for him, I really am. In fact, I couldn't be more excited for him. But as he's moved on to new things, I'm stuck here standing on the ledge between letting go and holding on.

Every day I question myself. Do I hold on to my love for him? Do I wrap it up in all those memories and stash it away inside my heart somewhere where I can find it a couple years from now and just hope for the best? Or do I let go? Do I work to get over it and move on? Because I've got options. At this point, I really do. But as a new young man makes his way into my life, I can't help but to timidly dance around the subject of my feelings... I can't give him my heart when it still belongs to my best friend. I don't want to give him my heart. It still belongs to my best friend. 

But if my best friend no longer desires my heart, then I've got to give it away at some point? 

I have a whole bunch of questions and not a lot of answers. Best friend, do you love me or not?

Because I think it would be nice to know, really.

Friends lovers or nothing.

So I guess in the end it's true: what they always say about how it's impossible to remain friends after you've fallen for each other. I never believed it before because there was one boy who always managed to prove them wrong. 

We fell in and out of love many times, but we always bounced right back into the friendship we'd always had. And after every fall out, our friendship just grew stronger. I'd always catch myself saying, "No matter what, he will always be there for me." And maybe at one point it was true. We'd try and try to make our little romance work, but it never really did. But that didn't change anything. We were always best friends. He'd hold me as I cried over different boys and he was always there when I needed a hug. 

But I guess what they say is true- friends, lovers, or nothing, there can only be one.

Lessons Learned.

I once knew a guy who was more indecisive about relationships than a girl would be when deciding between two pairs of shoes. He was all over the place, and I never quite knew what to expect. One day he'd tell me I was all he ever wanted, and the next I wouldn't hear from him at all. I put up with it for months. People used to always say, "Why are you still holding on to this relationship? It has gone up in flames." And I'd just look at them and say, "Well, you don't know how I feel."

And the truth is, now that I look back on the situation and everything that was occurring at that time, I didn't know how I felt either. As females, we have the tendency to idolize members of the male gender when we are not spending enough time with them. This explains why we, as women, tend to fall in love with a guy we've never talked to only to fall right back out of love as soon as we actually start getting to know him.

In this particular case, I got to know the guy that he wanted me to know. He put up a false front and I bought every word of it. He wanted me to know him as a sweet, sensitive, caring guy. So I did. But in all reality, he pushed those characteristics to the surface whenever he was around me just to hide everything else he was beneath them: whatever we had, it wasn't healthy. 

He wouldn't spend a lot of time with me, but he'd text me constantly. Because I wasn't around him all the time, my thoughts went wild and my imagination morphed him into some sort of prince charming who had come to rescue me from the dull monotony of every-day life. 

Ladies, don't let your mind wander. Don't let your thoughts morph the guy that's been on your mind a lot lately into something he isn't. It's good to really get to know a person before you jump to conclusions about the kind of person they are.

That's why I believe it's extremely important to be friends first- you get to know people in a very different way when you begin a friendly relationship as opposed to a romantic relationship. I've experienced the differences, and I promise that when you begin as friends first, there is so much more to love and it is the basis of a much healthier kind of relationship.

what if i'm a horrible person?

The sun smiled down upon the earth and shared the warmth of its happiness with me as I basked in the sunlight and the beauty of the day. With a book propped up against the palms of my hands, an old blanket spread out carefully beneath me, and my legs crossed at the ankle and bended at the knee while I lounged on my tummy, I waited anxiously for his arrival. 

He joined me in that blissful moment and kept me laughing, just like he promised he always would. Most of our laughter came at my expense, but I shot several witty comments at him as well. He'd tickle me, and tease me, and at times he'd even gather the blanket up in his arms and throw it over my head before jumping on top of me to hold me down and tickle me while I was utterly helpless. Like a couple of kids, we just played and played and played. And I loved every last second of it. 

The sun felt so warm on my skin and it lit up his eyes. We were side-by-side, laying on our stomachs with our heads resting upon our folded arms and our faces turned towards each other. He had me laughing so hard that my eyes were leaking pure happiness. And with every little salty droplet of water that slipped down my cheek, I'd exclaim, "You're making me cry!" But he'd just look at me and reply, "I don't see any tears." So I'd take his fingers in my hands and press them to the corners of my eyes, "Don't you feel them?" and merely smile fiendishly and say, "Nope." And then I'd just laugh even harder. 

The sun started to fall asleep, and it took the last traces of warmth with it. We ended up in the basement. I was sitting on the couch and he was on the beanbag chair. He lifted his arm over the armrest of the couch and ran his fingers through my hair. Soon, he was sitting beside me, holding me close. My fingers traced his facial features as we talked about the simplicities of life. I kept telling him he was a horrible person, but only because he kept teasing me mercilessly and he kept tickling me to the point at which it could have easily been considered torture. 

But every time I'd say, "You're a horrible person." he'd quickly respond by saying, "You're a wonderful person." And with no words to say, I'd just sit silently and study his face. But one time, one time was different.

"You're a horrible person."

"You're a wonderful person."

"Maybe." 

He raised his eyebrows and I just smiled. "What if I'm actually a horrible person?" He sat for a moment, as if he were taking the time to ponder, before he simply replied, "Hmmm. Well, if that's the case, then what are we going to do about it?" With a sly smile, I moved closer to him so I could look right into his eyes, and I said, "Well, we'll just have to be absolutely miserable then, won't we?" 

And just like that, I felt his lips pressed against my own. 

i have no answers today.

I was sitting on the front porch wrapped in a massive blanket with an umbrella propped against my shoulder and a bottle of bubbles near my feet. And there I sat, happy as can be, when he pulled into the cul-de-sac, parked his car, and began his journey to the steps upon which I was sitting.

We laughed and blew bubbles as the sky leaked raindrops from way up above; we sat there until the stiffness of the cement made our bodies ache, then we allowed ourselves to merely topple backwards and sprawl out awkwardly upon my front porch. We spun the umbrella above our heads and talked about silly things. He would occasionally reach over and tickle me, but I'd squirm away as quickly as possible: I've always been exceptionally ticklish.

Eventually the cold seeped through the blanket and all the way to our bones. So we gathered up our things and proceeded inside and all the way down to the basement to watch a movie. And that's exactly what we did. But he unexpectedly reached his arm around me and pulled my head into his chest. And just like that, I found my heaven in my arms. 

His fingers would comb gently through my hair or trace my ear, and I swore in that moment I could have died happy. How is it that I felt so at home when I was close to him? 

And why is it that I feel so lost now that he's gone?

Once Upon a Time.

I once adored a boy who woke up each morning unsure of how he felt. One day he'd wake up "in love" with me, and the next he'd wake up saying, "I'm just not feeling it today." And so every morning I'd wake up and the first thing I'd wonder would be whether or not I had his heart. It was a complicated relationship, to say the least. 

And I was so wrapped up in the idea of him that I failed to see him for what he really was. 

If I were to say one thing, it would be this: if you adore a boy who has a bipolar tendency similar to this boy, run. He's not worth your time. You deserve a boy who wakes up everyday thinking, "Man. How'd I get so lucky?" He shouldn't question whether or not he cares about you, he should just know. And once he knows, he shouldn't make you question how he feels either.

you can do it.

If there is one thing I've learned, it is this:

You have to be completely honest and open if you want a relationship to work. Talk. You've got to communicate well, or else communication will be your downfall. It's terrifying, it's absolutely terrifying, but all things that take great effort receive a great reward.

Keep your head high, put on your big girl panties, and put yourself out on the line. Say what you think and say what you feel. Because then you won't regret the words you did not say. And the words you did not say are always the words that end up hurting the most.